3 Under 3 FAQs

The twins were born in January, the day before my daughter's second birthday. So 2015 is the year of 3 under 3. July is half over, and that means the year of 3 under 3 is half over!! I can't believe we've all survived this long. How have we survived? That's essentially what everyone is asking, and what I will now attempt to answer with a nice list of FAQs.

Are you getting any sleep?

More than I was before, but still less than I'd prefer. The twins have slept through the night a handful of times, but they have not become consistent about it. Miss Two wakes up in the middle of the night once or twice a week and either gets in bed with us or asks me to get in bed with her. Occasionally I wake up feeling refreshed. Usually, after a night spent putting three kids back to sleep one at a time, I am left wishing someone would tuck me in at 7am. 

Are the twins sharing a crib?

Yes, but not for much longer. Big Guy woke up at 4am the other day and decided it was play time, much to Little Guy's dismay. Crib sharing worked well until now, but it's time to be a two crib household. 

Are the twins on the same schedule?

Some twin moms swear that getting their twins on the same schedule is the only way to stay sane. But the only twin moms I've heard of that were successful at it were moms of identical twins. My fraternal boys have vastly different sleep preferences. BG wants two naps during the day and nighttime sleep from 6 to 6. LG wants three naps a day and nighttime sleep from 9 to 9. This is not easy to reconcile, but we do have a schedule now that accommodates us all pretty well. Wake up at 7am, morning nap at 9am, afternoon nap at 1pm (BG usually sleeps all afternoon. LG usually wakes up before 2pm.), LG's second afternoon nap before 4pm, bedtime at 7pm. I used to really have to work for this routine, but now this is just what happens most of the time without much effort on my part. 

Does your toddler still take a nap?

Nope. Toddler nap time used to be necessary. Miss Two used to become a cranky mess by 5pm if she hadn't had a nap. She also used to fall asleep instantly if you could just get her to sit still at 2pm. But naps became more and more of a battle. The last straw happened on a day that she had taken a long afternoon nap. We struggled with her for more than an hour that night to go to sleep. At around 9pm, we thought she was finally out for the night, so we spent some spouse time on the front porch. We came back inside at 9:30pm to find our toddler happily playing in the kitchen. Her nice long afternoon nap had ruined her bedtime! So I got rid of naps, and I haven't regretted it. She doesn't behave badly in the late afternoon, and she is asleep by 7:30pm every night now. However, I should add that my toddler is not necessarily typical. If you are about to be living the 3 under 3 life, and you are reading this thinking, 'But I NEED that afternoon nap time!' don't lose hope! Maybe your toddler(s) will be the kind that take naps until they are five years old. 

So do you ever have time for yourself? / How do you find time to write, exercise, grocery shop, clean, and generally do anything except be a parent? 

This is the glory of an early bedtime for all the kids. From 7pm until about 10:30pm (when LG usually wants his first feeding of the night), I am my own person. I can read or write or run on the treadmill or go to the store or take a walk with a friend. I can have my sister come over so my husband and I can have a date. The trouble is deciding what to do on any given evening. Date nights are easy, because we just do them whenever my sister is available to come over. But if I don't have a particular task in mind for the evening, I run the risk of spending that precious time dawdling on my phone or daydreaming about all the things I could potentially be accomplishing (I could organize the toys! Or sew up the hole in that old blanket! Or shop for halloween costumes on Etsy!). Don't dawdle that time away! Just pick a task and do it! 

How do you manage all three of them at once?

This is a tricky question, because it's hard to know what you're really asking. If you're asking how I keep them all alive, the answer is that I trap two of them in safe places while I parent the third. If you're asking how I keep them all happy, the answer is that I don't. There is frequently at least one kid crying. I do my best to meet their needs efficiently, but sometimes I fail. For example, one morning I decided to nurse Little Guy while I left Big Guy playing on the floor in front of me. BG didn't like this plan, and he was becoming distressed. I begged Miss Two to sing to him, but she had her baby doll and her nursing pillow, and she was sitting next to me on the couch nursing her baby, too. She was as immobilized as I was. So we nursed our babies while BG cried louder and louder until he finally gave up and went to sleep on the floor. It was pitiful. I didn't leave him there, of course. I finished up with LG and promptly fed BG. Then I put them both to sleep in their crib. But for those few minutes, I felt like a terrible mom. My point is, I can't manage it all. Not all the time. But I also can't succumb to the guilt of those parenting failures. I have to just take it as a learning moment and keep going, because chances are someone just pooped and needs me to wipe their butt. I don't have time to wallow in mom guilt. 

There are many more questions I could try to answer, but the ones I get asked most frequently relate to sleep and time-management. If you have other questions about the 3 under 3 life, please ask! I'll try to address them in future posts. 

Your Mom is a Person

Maybe you already knew that. I didn't. I thought my mom existed solely for the sake of her children. I thought she was supposed to be unwaveringly patient with us and give us all of her attention. She should read with us more and pray with us before bed. And how dare she ever get her feelings hurt and lash out at us! She's the mom! She's supposed to remain calm and rational at all times, no matter how hurtful we're being. I listed out all my mom's failures, and I promised myself I'd be better.

Then I had a baby. And I didn't suddenly lose all my emotions and desires and dreams. I didn't suddenly become someone who loves changing diapers and reading Good Night Moon a hundred times in a row. I didn't suddenly master patience and emotion regulation.

If anything, sleep deprivation makes me less patient. And being wallowed on by a toddler for a solid 30 minutes makes me want to play violent video games. And I swear if you put your foot in your baby brother's face one more time I'll...!!

I'll what? I'll give up on this parenting thing because I clearly can't keep my cool. No, that wouldn't be fair to my husband.

I have a vague memory from when I was very young. My little sister was maybe 3 or 4. She was bothering my mom while mom was doing something on the computer. At first mom tried to let my sister sit in her lap, but my sister couldn't sit still. My mom got fed up with the wallowing and put her down. My sister threw a fit. Then she got a whooping. I think it was an, I'll-give-you-something-to-cry-about whooping.

As a kid, I didn't understand this interaction. It seemed horribly unfair. My sister just wanted some attention. Why couldn't mom stop what she was doing and pay attention to her kid?

Now I get it. My mom spent every day, all day long being a mom. She was desperate for the little moments where she could pull weeds or shovel snow or do anything that made her feel like a person again, not only a mother. In that situation, mom just wanted a few minutes to do something on the computer without a kid wallowing on her. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not saying I condone whoopings. I'm saying I now better understand my mother.

I'm still a person. I still want an identity separate from motherhood. I still want to be heard and understood and respected. I want to achieve things. I want to be forgiven when I mess up.

So my mother's day request for all you lovely readers is to give up your unrealistic expectations of perfection for your mom. Recognize her personhood and love her for it.