Your Mom is a Person

Maybe you already knew that. I didn't. I thought my mom existed solely for the sake of her children. I thought she was supposed to be unwaveringly patient with us and give us all of her attention. She should read with us more and pray with us before bed. And how dare she ever get her feelings hurt and lash out at us! She's the mom! She's supposed to remain calm and rational at all times, no matter how hurtful we're being. I listed out all my mom's failures, and I promised myself I'd be better.

Then I had a baby. And I didn't suddenly lose all my emotions and desires and dreams. I didn't suddenly become someone who loves changing diapers and reading Good Night Moon a hundred times in a row. I didn't suddenly master patience and emotion regulation.

If anything, sleep deprivation makes me less patient. And being wallowed on by a toddler for a solid 30 minutes makes me want to play violent video games. And I swear if you put your foot in your baby brother's face one more time I'll...!!

I'll what? I'll give up on this parenting thing because I clearly can't keep my cool. No, that wouldn't be fair to my husband.

I have a vague memory from when I was very young. My little sister was maybe 3 or 4. She was bothering my mom while mom was doing something on the computer. At first mom tried to let my sister sit in her lap, but my sister couldn't sit still. My mom got fed up with the wallowing and put her down. My sister threw a fit. Then she got a whooping. I think it was an, I'll-give-you-something-to-cry-about whooping.

As a kid, I didn't understand this interaction. It seemed horribly unfair. My sister just wanted some attention. Why couldn't mom stop what she was doing and pay attention to her kid?

Now I get it. My mom spent every day, all day long being a mom. She was desperate for the little moments where she could pull weeds or shovel snow or do anything that made her feel like a person again, not only a mother. In that situation, mom just wanted a few minutes to do something on the computer without a kid wallowing on her. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not saying I condone whoopings. I'm saying I now better understand my mother.

I'm still a person. I still want an identity separate from motherhood. I still want to be heard and understood and respected. I want to achieve things. I want to be forgiven when I mess up.

So my mother's day request for all you lovely readers is to give up your unrealistic expectations of perfection for your mom. Recognize her personhood and love her for it.