What it Entails to Leave the Kids for a Weekend

I was recently a bridesmaid in a wedding. When normal people are going to be in a wedding, they think about what to wear (heels or flats?), where to stay (Hilton or Hampton?), how to get there (car or plane?), etc. When a nursing mother of three under three is going to be in a wedding, she thinks about milk.

I had 150 fluid ounces of milk in the freezer for the boys to drink while I was gone. I’d been pumping and storing milk every night for weeks. I also had to take my pump with me that weekend, find a way to pump every three hours, and find a place to store all that milk. I felt pretty prepared for this task. I made sure the hotel had a mini fridge with a freezer section, and I brought a cooler with me.

With my milk concerns resolved, I thought about the kids. I didn’t want to leave all three of them with my husband. That just wouldn’t be fair. Thawing frozen milk and making bottles is not as easy as just whipping out a boob. It’s difficult to be alone with all three of the kids. Plus, he deserved a break just as much as I did. So one kid for one set of grandparents, one kid for the other set, and one kid for my husband. But that meant packing separately for two kids.

The Thursday before the wedding I made three lists in my mind: the things to pack for Little Guy, the things to pack for Miss Two, and the things to pack for myself. It was only then that I realized, I never bought black flats for this wedding. I never figured out how I wanted to do my hair. I don’t even own any decent red lipstick. I laughed about how my priorities have changed since having kids, and I thought, ‘Oh well, I guess I’m wearing my old black pumps.’

The Friday before the wedding I was a total train wreck. I kept thinking I would have time to pack when the kids were napping, but they just wouldn’t nap at the same time! I begged my sister to come over and help with the kids so I could get things done. She was helpful, but there was only so much she could do. I’m still the one who feeds and provides most of the comfort to the twins. But I rushed around in between feedings and got most of the stuff staged in the dining room and ready to be taken to the car. My husband met up with his parents that evening and gave them Miss Two. I didn’t even give her a proper goodbye. I think I said something like, “Do you have your sippy cup?” That night when the boys went to bed, I cried into a cup of tea in part because of the stress of the day and in part because of how badly I didn’t want to be away from my babies.

Saturday morning I got up bright and early and put everything in the car before the babies woke up. Then I nursed them both, said goodbye to Big Guy, and got on the road with Little Guy. I drove an hour and a half north to drop him off with my parents before picking up my friend and fellow bridesmaid and heading four hours southwest to the hotel. On Monday morning I’d have to go back to my parents to get Little Guy again before heading home. So. Much. Driving.

The weekend itself was mostly great. The rehearsal dinner was fun and being alone with my bestie was wonderful and the wedding was beautiful. This is a mommy blog, though, so I want to talk about some mommy-specific issues that arise when you leave your babies all weekend. 

1. You won’t actually get to sleep. You might think you will get some rest because you won’t have the babies to wake you up in the middle of the night, but if you don’t wake up at 3 am to pump, you will be woken up at 5 am by your aching, leaking breasts. 

2. You will actually want that fancy, expensive, hospital-grade pump. My pump is over two years old, and it’s just a middle-of-the-road Lansinoh, so of course it decided to crap out on me the weekend when I most needed it. I ended up hand-expressing a lot of milk and then going to Walmart to get a hand pump (and some decent red lipstick!). The hand pump is slower than the electric pump, but whatever. It works.

3. You will be asked approximately 72 times if you are allowed to drink alcohol while lactating. Even if you only have two drinks throughout the course of the reception. 

4. You will stay out longer than you intended. Things always take longer than you anticipate. Staying out means staying away from your pump, and that means full, aching, rock-hard breasts. Owwwwwwww.

5. Your spouse will send you adorable pictures of your baby, and when you coo over them you leak all over yourself. For the love of dryness, bring nipple pads and wear something that allows you to quickly change out those pads when they get soggy. I was an idiot and did neither of those things. My dress had a high-collared, lace neckline, and I couldn’t reach my leaky nips without unzipping the stupid thing. I also did not bring nipple pads, so I was just shoving paper towels in my cleavage. I don’t know if you know this, but paper towels are not actually helpful in this situation. They just disintegrate and leave paper towel residue all over you. Super sexy. 

6. The hatch of your minivan will decide that staying open is more fun than being closed. This will happen at night when you just want to go back to the hotel and pump and go to bed. There are a surprisingly large number of reasons why this might happen. You will spend an hour figuring out which of the many things that might have happened is the one that actually happened in this instance. Eventually you will get it fixed, though, because you are a mom, and moms get stuff done.  

So obviously the weekend was a huge success...

Ok in all seriousness, it was a great weekend. It was difficult, but it was worth it. Leaving my babies makes me so anxious, and a bunch of stupid, frustrating things happened. But being with my old friends was so so good. I would definitely do it again. I would just do it better next time.


P.S. I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge in this post how utterly grateful I am to my loving, supportive family. It was such a blessing to know that all my kids were getting individual attention and quality bonding time. Thanks guys!

4 Months In

We are a third of the way through with the year of three under three. (Say that sentence three times fast!) To mark the occasion, I thought I'd offer a snapshot of our lives at the moment.

It's not completely chaotic anymore! I was trying to maintain a schedule, but schedules are stupid. I was never able to make it work, mostly because I don't wake up sleeping babies and I do let them comfort nurse. Oh well. We have fallen into a bit of a routine now. The boys take a short morning nap, a longer midday nap, and a short evening nap. I try to use the morning nap to play with Miss Two, the midday nap to make lunch for Miss Two and put her down for a nap, and the evening nap to make dinner. Usually the days do not work out that perfectly, but they aren't utter disasters either.

Nursing 4-month-old twins is both easier and more difficult than nursing newborn twins for different reasons. I definitely can't feed them at the same time anymore. They're too big for the nursing pillow. Often I am nursing one while the other is hungrily crying. It's emotionally draining. I've heard of people nursing one while bottle feeding the other. I might start doing something like that. Still, nursing has gotten easier in the sense that the boys have really gotten the hang of it, and they are efficient now. 

Nursing is also a little easier because Miss Two is not as jealous of the activity. She used to climb all over me while I was trying to nurse. Now she just does her own thing. I'm so glad that phase passed so quickly. 

I'm getting a little more sleep! Big Guy sleeps through the night sometimes. It's amazing. Little Guy not so much, but last night he only woke up twice. That's not so bad. They got too big for the cradle next to my bed, so we moved them to a crib in the nursery. They don't sleep in the crib together every night. Often they both fall asleep in separate swings, and we let them be. 

Leaving the house with the twins is tricky. At home we often nurse on a bed, and if they fall asleep nursing I move them to a crib or a swing. Or if they are tired but not hungry, I let them fuss in the swing for a few minutes until they fall asleep. So when we go places without the swing and the crib and a bed on which to nurse them, I feel completely at a loss as to how to comfort them. Usually other people help me by walking around with a baby until he falls asleep.

I did go to the park with all the kids one day! My sweet sister came along and chased after Miss Two while the boys and I played on a picnic blanket. It was lovely. I hope I can do many more days like that. We all need to get out more, but I think we will now that the first four months of the wildest year of my life are over. 

Your Mom is a Person

Maybe you already knew that. I didn't. I thought my mom existed solely for the sake of her children. I thought she was supposed to be unwaveringly patient with us and give us all of her attention. She should read with us more and pray with us before bed. And how dare she ever get her feelings hurt and lash out at us! She's the mom! She's supposed to remain calm and rational at all times, no matter how hurtful we're being. I listed out all my mom's failures, and I promised myself I'd be better.

Then I had a baby. And I didn't suddenly lose all my emotions and desires and dreams. I didn't suddenly become someone who loves changing diapers and reading Good Night Moon a hundred times in a row. I didn't suddenly master patience and emotion regulation.

If anything, sleep deprivation makes me less patient. And being wallowed on by a toddler for a solid 30 minutes makes me want to play violent video games. And I swear if you put your foot in your baby brother's face one more time I'll...!!

I'll what? I'll give up on this parenting thing because I clearly can't keep my cool. No, that wouldn't be fair to my husband.

I have a vague memory from when I was very young. My little sister was maybe 3 or 4. She was bothering my mom while mom was doing something on the computer. At first mom tried to let my sister sit in her lap, but my sister couldn't sit still. My mom got fed up with the wallowing and put her down. My sister threw a fit. Then she got a whooping. I think it was an, I'll-give-you-something-to-cry-about whooping.

As a kid, I didn't understand this interaction. It seemed horribly unfair. My sister just wanted some attention. Why couldn't mom stop what she was doing and pay attention to her kid?

Now I get it. My mom spent every day, all day long being a mom. She was desperate for the little moments where she could pull weeds or shovel snow or do anything that made her feel like a person again, not only a mother. In that situation, mom just wanted a few minutes to do something on the computer without a kid wallowing on her. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not saying I condone whoopings. I'm saying I now better understand my mother.

I'm still a person. I still want an identity separate from motherhood. I still want to be heard and understood and respected. I want to achieve things. I want to be forgiven when I mess up.

So my mother's day request for all you lovely readers is to give up your unrealistic expectations of perfection for your mom. Recognize her personhood and love her for it.

Response to 'Why I Won't Let My Wife Quit Her Job'

I just read this essay by Sean Dunbar entitled Why I Won't Let My Wife Quit Her Job. His reason is that he wants "better" for his wife. He's afraid that staying at home with their two kids would make her "stagnant". He's afraid that she would begin to feel inferior to him and grow to resent him for being the breadwinner. He's afraid that their daughter will grow up thinking that when she has kids, she'll have to stay home with them. 

He says, "I don't want to pay for our daughter's college tuition, just to see her walk away and let a man take care of her." 

Ok I already have a lot of problems with this. Those of you who know me well can probably see where I'm headed. But the thing I have the biggest problem with is the following statement:

"I do wonder a lot whether I'm a bad man for pushing her to [work] even though she says she wants to stay home with the kids." 

In short, Mr.Dunbar, yes. That is a bad thing to do. It's bad to make your spouse feel like they have to work even though they want to stay home. Being married means making decisions together. It means respecting each other's personal and professional desires and dreams. You shouldn't "let" or "not let" her do anything, just as she shouldn't have that much control over you. It's about mutual respect and support. It's about deciding together what's best for you as individuals and for the family as a whole. 

That said, let's move on to three of the flaws in your actual argument about staying at home.

1. You don't get to say, "I respect women who find being a stay-at-home mother to be fulfilling and satisfying," when you are also saying that you want "better" for your own wife and daughter. The former statement is disingenuous. If you truly respected those mothers, you would acknowledge that sometimes staying home is the best choice. I think what you actually mean is that you recognize it's not your place to tell other mothers how to live their lives. That's not respect; it's tolerance. 

2. Staying home with your kids is not equivalent to stagnating. Yes, some employers might view it that way, but that doesn't make it true. That makes it a misconception that we should all be actively fighting to discredit. I could talk about how to stay updated on the current research in your field. I could talk about all the valuable skills I am practicing everyday. I could mention that a college education is broad, and any job I accepted would require me to brush up on certain things I learned anyway, whether I'd been out of the workforce for five weeks or five years. But I think the more important discussion is what does stagnation mean to you? Is a job the only way to combat stagnation? I don't think so. I think most people strive to grow and develop and self-actualize every day, whether they are employed or not. 

3. Staying home with your kids is not setting a bad example of dependency on a man for your daughter. A SAHM does not "let men take care of her". We're a family. We all take care of each other. My husband takes care of the financial needs while I take care of the children. When our daughter was younger and we had two mortgages to worry about, we both worked. I took care of our daughter during the day, while my husband worked. Then he took care of our daughter in the evening while I worked. We also both take care of each other's emotional needs. See how that goes? 

I desperately want to believe that Mr. Dunbar is misrepresenting the situation. I hope he and his wife made the decision together, and I hope that she is happy and fulfilled. I hope that if his daughter finished college and then decided to stay home with her children, he wouldn't be disappointed about all the money he had just wasted on her education. I really truly want to believe that he can learn to be proud of his daughter's decisions and supportive of his wife. But the sad fact is, he might entirely stand by every word he wrote. And the thousands of people who shared his article on Facebook probably agree with him, too. 

To end on a positive note, here is an article entitled Why I Don't Regret Being A Stay-At-Home Mom about a wife, mother, and lawyer who is definitely NOT stagnating, stuck in an unhappy marriage, or setting a bad example for her kids. Enjoy!