Moms, I'm talking to you. Every time we hang out, someone's gotta bring up something stupid their spouse did so we can all laugh. Inevitably someone else has a story that can top hers, and before you know it we've spent ten minutes talking about how useless our spouses are.
Look, I get it. Some of these anecdotes are genuinely funny. And we all need to vent to each other about our mom problems. That's why we hang out. But I need to say something about the spouse bashing phenomenon: If you are unhappy about the amount of time your spouse spends on childcare and chores, you are partly to blame.
First time moms, you ladies deserve some leeway here. You're new at this. You didn't know what to expect. You didn't know how much help you would need from your spouse and how often you would have to ask for it.
If you're on your second or third kid with this man, and he's still not the helpful spouse you want him to be, stop trashing him to your mom friends and go have a conversation with him about it. A real conversation, not a series of resentful remarks.
Here’s the thing, we ALL suck at parenting sometimes. We were all pretty clueless when we started on this journey. For example, I knew diddly squat about breastfeeding when I had my first kid. My attitude was that my mom would show me how to do it. I had an oversupply and leaked constantly for months without thinking anything of it. I could’ve been pumping/storing/donating that janx! What a dodo bird I was!
I remember, too, that my husband had his stupid moments. When our first kid was a couple months old, I asked him to do bath-time. His response was, “I don’t know how.” Seriously?
OK so we’re both dumb sometimes. We’ve established that. Do you know what doesn’t help us become better? Spouse-bashing.
Here are two things you can do instead:
1. Manage your expectations.
Divvy up the chores and childcare tasks. Ask for set times to do your own thing. Recognize that these are goals to strive for rather than demands that must be met. If he came home and asked, “Where’s dinner?”, you’d be livid. What makes you think it’s fair to ask, “Why haven’t you done the dishes?”
There are going to be days when you have to do all of it because he’s working late or he’s happily playing video games all evening with his friends. But there are also going to be days when he has to do all of it because you are recovering from an appendectomy or you’re wedding dress shopping with your bestie.
The only way it works is if you’re being fair to each other. So be clear about what you want, but realize that it won’t always happen for you.
2. Reward the good.
Sometimes Thank You is more important than I Love You. It’s the best defense against resentment. It’s also one of the best ways to reinforce a behavior that you’d like to see more often.
When we were first married, we used to argue about the dishes all the time. I was becoming a nag, and I hated it! But saith Shakespeare, “Your gentleness shall force more than your force move me to gentleness.” So I gave up nagging about the dishes and starting saying thank you instead. I thank him every time he does the dishes. Lo and behold! He does the dishes almost every day now!
As a SAHM, it’s super easy to resent your working spouse. He gets to herp-a-derp on the internet sometimes and use the bathroom alone and eat lunch without sharing with a toddler! Work is a glorious place!! And that resentment can become a boiling rage when your working spouse has to work late. But my sweet husband knows this. When he works late, he shakes off the stress at the door and comes in with nothing but gratitude for me. He says, “Thank you for not being mad at me for working late. Thank you for not blowing up my phone and constantly asking when I’m going to be home. You’re so good to me.” And it makes me want to be the wife he thinks I am.
I’m not trying to say that I’m better than you or that my marriage/spouse is better than yours. I’m trying to say that it’s your marriage, yo. You have some influence over it. If you’re not happy, work toward making it better.
My last piece of advice for today: If you want to tell a story that starts with, “I love my husband, but…” Don’t tell that story. Pick a different story. Because seriously, how hurt would you be if you found out he was telling stories like that about you to his friends?
Spouse-bashing sucks. Can we all please stop doing it?
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