3 Under 3 and an Appendectomy

We had good rhythm going. The twins were taking two naps a day, and we usually made it out of the house in between. Dinner was at 5, bath time at 6, twin bed time at 7, and toddler bedtime at 8. My mom was about to visit, and I was eager for her to see how well we were doing. 

And then I had to have emergency surgery. UGH! 

Life was chaos again. I was bedridden, and my mother was bringing the babies to me when they needed to nurse. No one was sleeping. We had to call in all the reinforcements. It was like the weeks after the twins were born except worse because I lacked the joy (and oxytocin) of having newborns. 

I'm still trying to look back on the mess and decipher what I was supposed to learn from it all, but here are a few things I can say:

1. Surgeons are bad at recovery estimates. 

We've all seen Grey's Anatomy. Surgeons think appendectomies are routine, run of the mill, surgeries that will keep you from doing your normal thing for at most 3 days. Maybe for a young, healthy person, that's true. For a nursing mother of twins who never sleeps more than 4 hours at a time, that's utter nonsense. When your body has to divide resources between healing you and producing milk, it's going to take more than 3 days to recover from abdominal surgery. When you get kicked in the stomach while you're nursing every couple of hours, it's going to take longer than 3 days to recover from abdominal surgery. 

Twelve days is how long it actually took. I thought I was better on day eight, so I went to the grocery store. That was a mistake. I was in agony after an hour of slowly browsing the store. So surgeons and other care providers, take note. Give better recovery estimates! My mom had to stay with me for two weeks. Not everyone has a mom that can do that. 

2. Build yourself a village.

I'm so grateful for all the help I received. People brought us food and held my babies and played with my toddler and sat by my bed and made me laugh. One generous friend even donated breastmilk, because I was having a supply issue. (I love you forever!) But no one would have known how to help me if I hadn't asked them for specific things. Don't be afraid to ask! People like to be helpful.

I also wouldn't have had anyone to ask if I hadn't already been building relationships with other moms. When I was a new mom, I was terrified of other moms. I thought everyone would judge me for being so young. (I was in college when I got pregnant with my first. Yes, she was planned.) I thought all the other moms would have lost all their baby weight already, and their hair would always be perfect. I isolated myself, and I was lonely. 

Now I am part of a mom group, and I can't recommend it enough. (Shout out to RAMOM!) No one has ever commented about my age or my weight or my hair. We all just support each other. It's beautiful. 

3. Keep a stash of breastmilk! 

Right before this appendectomy, one of the Ramoms was talking about her overflowing freezer. Another mom responded, "Keep it! You could get the flu, and it could wipe out your supply." Unfortunately, this little nugget of wisdom came too late for me. I had just donated a hundred ounces to another mom. I only had 8 ounces in the freezer when I went to the ER. 

I'm not saying never donate. I'm just saying don't donate ALL of it. Keep an emergency stash. Because exclusively breastfed babies don't tend to take to formula easily. 

4. Supply issues suck. 

I don't think I've ever been so stressed about anything in my life as I was about my useless, empty boobs. And it didn't happen right away. It was a week after the surgery. I thought I was in the clear, when bam! Measly little milk supply. It was infuriating and gut-wrenching and terrifying. You're trying to nurse, and your baby is just screaming because nothing is coming out. It's a nightmare. It's what every mother dreads. 

So please be sympathetic to moms who have to supplement with formula. Chances are, the events leading to that decision were torture for that mom. 

Now I will leave you with a funny anecdote. When I was in the midst of this wretched time, I called a good friend and whined to her about it. This is her making fun of me: "Does the sun shine? WILL I EVER BE HAPPY AGAIN?!"   

Can We All Stop Hating On Our Spouses, Please?

Moms, I'm talking to you. Every time we hang out, someone's gotta bring up something stupid their spouse did so we can all laugh. Inevitably someone else has a story that can top hers, and before you know it we've spent ten minutes talking about how useless our spouses are.

Look, I get it. Some of these anecdotes are genuinely funny. And we all need to vent to each other about our mom problems. That's why we hang out. But I need to say something about the spouse bashing phenomenon: If you are unhappy about the amount of time your spouse spends on childcare and chores, you are partly to blame.

First time moms, you ladies deserve some leeway here. You're new at this. You didn't know what to expect. You didn't know how much help you would need from your spouse and how often you would have to ask for it.

If you're on your second or third kid with this man, and he's still not the helpful spouse you want him to be, stop trashing him to your mom friends and go have a conversation with him about it. A real conversation, not a series of resentful remarks.

Here’s the thing, we ALL suck at parenting sometimes. We were all pretty clueless when we started on this journey. For example, I knew diddly squat about breastfeeding when I had my first kid. My attitude was that my mom would show me how to do it. I had an oversupply and leaked constantly for months without thinking anything of it. I could’ve been pumping/storing/donating that janx! What a dodo bird I was!

I remember, too, that my husband had his stupid moments. When our first kid was a couple months old, I asked him to do bath-time. His response was, “I don’t know how.” Seriously?  

OK so we’re both dumb sometimes. We’ve established that. Do you know what doesn’t help us become better? Spouse-bashing.

Here are two things you can do instead:

1. Manage your expectations.

Divvy up the chores and childcare tasks. Ask for set times to do your own thing. Recognize that these are goals to strive for rather than demands that must be met. If he came home and asked, “Where’s dinner?”, you’d be livid. What makes you think it’s fair to ask, “Why haven’t you done the dishes?”

There are going to be days when you have to do all of it because he’s working late or he’s happily playing video games all evening with his friends. But there are also going to be days when he has to do all of it because you are recovering from an appendectomy or you’re wedding dress shopping with your bestie.

The only way it works is if you’re being fair to each other. So be clear about what you want, but realize that it won’t always happen for you.

2. Reward the good.

Sometimes Thank You is more important than I Love You. It’s the best defense against resentment. It’s also one of the best ways to reinforce a behavior that you’d like to see more often.

When we were first married, we used to argue about the dishes all the time. I was becoming a nag, and I hated it!  But saith Shakespeare, “Your gentleness shall force more than your force move me to gentleness.” So I gave up nagging about the dishes and starting saying thank you instead. I thank him every time he does the dishes. Lo and behold! He does the dishes almost every day now!

As a SAHM, it’s super easy to resent your working spouse. He gets to herp-a-derp on the internet sometimes and use the bathroom alone and eat lunch without sharing with a toddler! Work is a glorious place!! And that resentment can become a boiling rage when your working spouse has to work late. But my sweet husband knows this. When he works late, he shakes off the stress at the door and comes in with nothing but gratitude for me. He says, “Thank you for not being mad at me for working late. Thank you for not blowing up my phone and constantly asking when I’m going to be home. You’re so good to me.” And it makes me want to be the wife he thinks I am.

I’m not trying to say that I’m better than you or that my marriage/spouse is better than yours. I’m trying to say that it’s your marriage, yo. You have some influence over it. If you’re not happy, work toward making it better.

My last piece of advice for today: If you want to tell a story that starts with, “I love my husband, but…” Don’t tell that story. Pick a different story. Because seriously, how hurt would you be if you found out he was telling stories like that about you to his friends?

Spouse-bashing sucks. Can we all please stop doing it?